How to live despite and beyond chronic illness
by Alida Brill"
Here are my suggestions for softening the punch The Thug can throw your way.
1. If your friend, partner, companion, spouse or lover needs a time-out don't assume you're being rejected or "dumped." Sometimes, a bit of space and time allows the other person to catch enough emotional breath to stay with you and to be more available when you're in crisis.
2. Admit that The Thug is always present. Discuss it openly. If you have to keep The Thug a secret, also keep your clothes on when around this person -- at the very least.
3. Your disease is not your fault, but it isn't the fault of your intimates either. Keep the distinction clear.
4. It's virtually impossible for one person to be everything to and for you at all times. Cultivate interests and quiet things to do when The Thug has knocked you out cold. For me it is reading, when I can, and always listening to music.
5. If The Thug creates disharmony in otherwise pleasant or fulfilling relationships, acknowledge what happened and then go forward. Don't rehash and retell the story to each other or to others.
6. Accept that watching someone you love suffer is challenging (and exhausting). Find new ways to communicate how much the people in your life matter to you - consider engaging in non-verbal forms of expression.
7. If you're in a long-term relationship, you're both part of the Thug's Tango. There are times when memories or events are overwhelming. In those circumstances, benign silence can be the best approach.
8. Touching another and being touched by someone you love and/or trust is extremely healing. It doesn't need to be sexual.
9. Know yourself and trust yourself well enough to ask for your own space and solitude before you bubble-over. Be sure that you communicate clearly that you're not withdrawing because of anything other than Thug-overload.
10. If you must end a relationship or if you're the one who is left, do not blame yourself. Don't waste precious energy reserves raging against The Thug. Bitterness is a temptation but that gives The Thug the ultimate knockout victory. Try to keep an open heart.
© Alida Brill 2011
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